Extreme: Faces Of Death (1979)

OK... so it was late and a friend had it. I was actually in my third year at university when I saw Faces of Death. I was dating this really insane girl at the time and I had finally got rid of her one night, only to go over to the flat of two of my best buds. One of whom was Gregory Whalen, the then assistant editor of Terrorizer, which was quite odd because here I am, a fucking Smiths and Suede fanatic, sitting with this huge dude who goes to all those mad head banging concerts. The other bloke was my mate Dan - a massive horror movie fanatic too. It was quite odd that us three should all end up at the same university but there you go. Anyway, Dan and Greg would get stoned and pissed quite a lot and one night they put on Faces of Death and apparently unaware of what the fuck it was, they sat and spat orange seeds at the screen shouting ‘die, die’. You’d really need to know them both... So anyway, we were sitting there in the kitchen and there was this big party going on because they both lived with this mad chick that would shag all those wacky jock guys. They didn't want jocks in their flat, anymore than I would want jocks in my flat - so the way to get rid of them was, apparently, to stick on Faces of Death... I happened to be there so I figured I'd stick around. However, I really wish I hadn't seen this. In fact we viewed some of this on fast forward. I mean YOU HAVE to view much of this sick shit on fast forward. For those who know nothing about this infamous "video nasty" here's the rundown: Apparently it took in more money than Star Wars in Japan (but then that is the country responsible for those fucking Guinea Pig films so that figures). It was banned in the UK (quite rightly I may add, as staged animal cruelty is thankfully against the law and the premise of making profit from the deaths of other people’s loved ones should remain illegal). It made sod all upon its USA cinema release BUT proved popular on video and spawned numerous sequels/ rip-offs. The film itself is the bastard son of Mondo Cane (1960s documentary) and Africa Addio (from those delightful chaps that brought you Mondo Cane). Now I've not seen any of those "shockumentaries", although I am aware of them from the excellent Killing for Culture book, and after viewing this I made sure that I never would! So what happens in cheery ol' Faces of Death? Well, you've got this shit actor called Michael Carr pretending to be a doctor called Dr. Gross. Which tells you exactly the audience that this film is aimed towards: adolescent males who are still in a frustrating state of virginity. The film begins with an autopsy, which this grey haired arse pretends to have carried out. Then he warbles on about death and talks shit throughout the film - at times damning the human race and even telling us he wants to be a vegetarian. The reason? Ever seen animals prepared to be koshered meat? That's meat which some Jewish and Islamic people eat... well the poor bastards are brutally hung up and left to bleed to death. This should really be against the law. Religion is no excuse for such barbarity - and that goes for all faiths. Then there is a dog fight, a bull fight, seal culling... you get the point. Animal cruelty galore! At the end of the day, if you like this thing then you are going to remain shunned and despised by society until you go and seek some professional help. Still, if animal carnage is your idea of a good nights entertainment then you'll love the car crash victims being scooped off the road, you'll gasp at the scenes of concentration camps and you'll probably believe that half the footage on offer is genuine... Indeed, during Faces of Death, you get badly faked terrorist attacks, a stupid crocodile munching, a grizzly bear massacre ("Be careful Bob. Bob, be careful") and crap executions. The most harrowing scene is a monkey being locked under a table in an eastern restaurant with its head protruding out. The customers then beat it with a hammer and eat its brains. OK so it’s a simulation but a real monkey IS locked in this contraption and DOES get horribly petrified. It is disturbing stuff indeed and it really pissed me off. It made me so angry... in fact I would want to kick the living hell out the pricks that laid a finger on this poor wee monkey and I'm the least violent person you'll meet! Again - who is enjoying this sort of thing? Maybe we need Faces of Death fans to feel superior about ourselves. Just a thought... So the makers of this film had no morals. Want further proof of this? Take a look at how they overdub the sound of a parachutist plummeting to his doom ("Squeeeelch!" goes the soundtrack) and the way they've added screams to the sound of a victim falling from a skyscraper. They even show a chicken having its head cut off to the sombre sound of "Old MacDonald had a Farm"!!! How fucking sick is that? Now I'm not gonna recommend this for the purpose that even if this sounds like a lovely night in the chances are that you're in prison and can't get to see it anyway. So fuck you! Yeah, it's shit and it's the worst kind of shit: It's the shit with the ultra crap soundtrack!!! Hear it and weep! Then go to bed comfortably at night knowing that this sort of thing is not freely available (I covered my eyes during most of the animal stuff I may add). The people that watch this are, in case you've not gathered, the same sort of people that your mum tried to warn you about when you were a kid...

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